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we received the following letter from Monika, we have two children, very tired of everyday "fights" with hysteria. Monika decided to radically change her approach to raising children ... and here's what happened.
"Actually, every" no "brought the same reaction - either screaming, stomping, striking blindly with your hands or silence, turning around and refusing to cooperate - to go further, get in the car, eat, sleep, whatever we wanted. This behavior not only disturbed us, but also an older child who could not eat, fall asleep, play with us as we can ... Hysteria is hard not to see or ignore her. On the other hand, I don't know myself what was worse - the scream in the highest notes or maybe this overwhelming silence and avoiding eye contact.
The result was that with our younger child, all the exits, and even the usual walk became a nightmare. Quiet moments ended when the toddler lost control and me and my husband wrapped their hands. I could never be sure what would happen in a moment, and when I had to go out with two small children - one "polite" and the other "very unpredictable" I felt even more lost and lonely. As a consequence, I even took the stroller for a short walk, in order to be able to put my screaming daughter in it and go on, hurrying with the older toddler to kindergarten.
Unfortunately, the problem did not pass for many weeks, and despite the experience with an older child, I was not able to deal with the younger. It was very frustrating.
We have tried so close to tout today. When my daughter was "fooled" I tried to hug her, calm her down, but this aggravated the situation even more and led to the fact that I was getting it in the nose and in the tibia. Over time, I realized that it can't be that I can't risk accidental hits and impose on my lost daughter. After all, I have not always managed to save them, and a child over two years old, despite appearances, has a lot of strength and it is difficult to hold them in a strong embrace to save them from themselves.
Also, translation was ineffective. When the daughter was angry, she just couldn't hear what I was saying to her. Now I know that it's stupid to teach my little child such a right time in the most agitated moments, but I just didn't know what to do.
There is a saying that if we can't stand something, we should change it. So we decided with my husband, after long debates, that regardless of age, our two-year-old daughter can not turn the day mode upside down, we do not agree that our older child should play the role of this quiet, calm, always polite feeling that we can't take more fools. We did something seemingly simple and obvious.
When we noticed that it did not work:
- ignoring fools,
- threats and requests,
we went to deeds.
When the daughter refused to eat dinner, we did not give her time for hysteria, we did not reheat dinner later, the password was given - either now or not at all. When the daughter escaped after several attempts to walk to the table, she simply did not get dinner on that day. The hours that passed to dinner were terrible, but we didn't bend. The situation with refusal to eat did not happen again. On the contrary, after a short grimace, the daughter accompanies us at meals.
We stopped being afraid of our own child.
This unfortunately also resulted in solutions "by force"
Unfortunately, we used to put our daughter into the car seat several times, we dressed her, we brushed our teeth, surprisingly such determination and consistency, although not easy, proved to be effective. The daughter calmed down a lot and began to respect the mode of the day and generally began to perform activities that we were not able to convince her for hours, requests, translations and conversations.
Why is all this writing here?
I understand the noble slogans about respecting the child's freedom, upbringing in accordance with his rights, but when a toddler spoils the whole order of the day and prevents an efficient exit or any exit with an older child, walking to kindergarten, etc., it gets boring. Then you have to act. There is no point in wasting time on what is ineffective and getting frustrated at every step, feeling that the two-year-old has control over us. Everyone should know their place in the family.
My appeal is this - do not be afraid to be firm and consistent, do not be afraid to raise your children. Do it with love and do not let yourself be convinced that you are hurting a child. And one more thing - there is no one perfect way for every family. Everyone has to work out their own, so thank you in advance for any comments like "how can you brush your child by force". Greetings to all mothers, Monika - my mother, recently tired of hysteria, today much more confident and happier. "